Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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