I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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