I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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