So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
