I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
