i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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