Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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