If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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