The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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