Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
as a side note pls kill me
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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