Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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