and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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