mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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