i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize
