It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
