8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
