He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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