wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
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Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
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I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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