he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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