On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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