If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
