I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
