haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He did a backflip because drugs
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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