When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
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And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.