I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
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Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.