your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard