Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Let's get the cat blown out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"