Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
