I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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