do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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