turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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