"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
