Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
