im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
