Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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