dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
