He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
