My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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