my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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