my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
