Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
