Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
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