omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
