final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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