matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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