Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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