I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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