I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."