dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
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Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What a dumb baby whore.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.