Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
