Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
