seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
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