and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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