That's when you crack a 10am beer
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
