That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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