i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
