I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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