you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
