So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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