i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
