God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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