I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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