You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
